Sounds strange right? But honestly, when do you have to become the parent of one of your parents? I have never thought that I would have to be a caregiver for my father, but I imagine there will come a time when I may have to do just that. My father has always been such a strong, active man with diverse interests and a sharp mind. Unfortunately, he has now outlived two wives. The first, my mother, succumbed to breast cancer at the age of 66 almost 20 years ago. His second wife, Lorri, passed away in July of Multiple Systems Atrophy (MSA), a gruesome, debilitating disease. He stood by each of them, advocating for their best care from their medical professionals, and in the end making arrangements for their memorial services. It was so sad to watch, and although I tried to help as much as I could, in the end he is left to live alone in a large apartment in a retirement village with many others in similar situations to himself.

During the time my stepmother was in hospice care in the skilled nursing center at the retirement facility, my father had health concerns of his own. He had been diagnosed with stage 3 colorectal cancer and had to undergo both radiation and chemotherapy. Although he tried to be strong, I did my best to support him by bringing him to his oncology appointments, sitting with him during chemotherapy, and bringing him meals and groceries. He was miserable, and didn’t want to admit that he was suffering from side effects which resulted in two emergency room visits for dehydration, and numerous phone calls to his doctors. Now, over a year since his diagnosis, he is doing well and just started to pursue check ups with his oncologist and CT scans to check on the status of his tumors.

I’ve gotten a little off track. My point here is that I can foresee a time when I’ll have to be more active in his care and help him to make decisions. He is a stubborn man, and I don’t want to make him feel as though he cannot take care of himself, but I also don’t want him to feel neglected.

What made me think of this is a discussion I just had with a friend of mine whose 92 year old mother is also having many health concerns, including blood pressure and mobility issues, as well as dementia. In her situation, she lives on the opposite coast of her parents, and between her two siblings and herself, they are trying to always have a least one of them there to care for her parents as they refuse to have any outside help in their New York apartment, and they will not move. It is almost an impossible situation for my friend as she has had to take time off from her teaching position almost monthly to make the trip and help out as much as she can. On top of that, her mother is extremely stubborn. She refuses to allow them to make accommodations to her apartment, like removing unsafe rugs or mounting safety bars in their shower or bathrooms.

In both our situations, there will obviously come a time that decisions will have to be made that are in the best interests of both the elderly parents and their children. So the roles may become reversed and unfortunately those decisions may not go over so well. That is the point when when you as an adult child, will have to make decisions as if you were the parent. You are the one doing what is best for the person, or people, that parented you. Like a parent, you want to keep them safe and cared for respectfully, while also allowing them to keep their dignity when possible.

I am grateful that I am able to now be there for my father as he has always been there for me. But, yes, I imagine it will be challenging to “parent” my parent!